A Good Man Goes Paintballing
by Alphadude007
Summary: On a junk-riddled field on the planet Axalon, a warrior stands above the battlefield. His age-old eyes survey the soon-to-be war zone. He knows the chaos that would ensue, the calls of fighters on both sides will soon be rising up. As the Time Lord surveys the piles of scrap that grew up from the sands, only one thought runs through his mind: 'I won't be cleaning any of this up."


**A Good Man Goes Paintballing**

_A one-shot request by copperdragon2_

The Twelfth Doctor looked out across the field, his faded green eyes surveying the soon-to-be-battlefield. The sun's light cast an orange glint on Axalon's craggy surface, the wind howling across the rocky landscape. Piles of scrap metal rose tall and proud from the surface of the junkyard. Corpses of twisted interstellar vehicles lay scattered about the field. Sontaran, Dalek, Sycorax, Cybermen, and so many more species were represented through the trashed vehicles that lay in the scrap piles.

The Time Lord's eyes rose from the ship graveyard up to a large eyeball that hovered above the center of the field, a massive snowflake-like device keeping the eyeball steady in the air.

_Whose bright idea was it to hire one of the Atraxi to referee this thing?_ The Doctor wondered, his eyebrow rising at the suspended eyeball.

"You ready, Doctor?" A chirpy voice behind him asked.

The Doctor turned around to see a red-haired woman with a paintball mask strapped to the top of her head, an eager grin stretching across her features.

A gentle smile of his own graced the Doctor's visage. "But of course, Amy. Is everyone else ready?"

Amelia Pond cast a glance over her shoulder. "Well the Sontarons were having a bit of trouble with their equipment. Something about wanting to attach electric bayonets onto the barrels of their guns." The redhead said with a shrug.

A chuckle escaped the Doctor's throat. "Well there will be no killing today. Today is a day to have some jolly good fun with these paint-firing contraptions." He said, whipping out his paintball marker from his coat and giving it a good shake.

The Doctor's proud weapon for the upcoming fight looked like the body of an old pistol that had an extra barrel mounted on top with a bolt action fixed onto the lower barrel. At the bottom was a slanted wood-like grip, adding to the outlandishness of the Doctor's marker for the battle.

The Doctor couldn't tell if the look on Amy's face expressed disgust or curiosity about the paintball gun he was holding.

"Doctor, what is that thing?" Amy asked, her eyebrows furrowing at the strange looking marker.

"This, my dear Amy, is a Nelspot double 'O seven." The Doctor beamed. "Quite a charming little thing, don't you think?"

A slight grimace found its way onto Amy's face. "Charming isn't really the word I'd use."

The Doctor gave his companion and exasperated look as he put the marker back in his coat. "Oh who asked you?"

"Doctor!" A gruff voice called behind him.

The Doctor spun around, a grin stretching across his face upon seeing who called his name.

"Strax ol' buddy, ol' chum!" The Doctor greeted enthusiastically, rushing up to give the Sontaran clone a hug. "How's my favorite Sontaran doing?"

"Magnificently, Doctor." Strax replied, his bravado bursting from his words as the Doctor released him from the embrace. "Today's a good day to rid the galaxy of the scum we are about to encounter, is it not?"

"Ohhh it's not to be rid of them, Strax." The Doctor said, wagging a finger in front of the Sontaran. "It's about having a good time and getting some paint in their faces!"

"Very good, sir!" Strax exclaimed in agreement, an eager smile spreading across his face. "Shall I prepare the troops for battle?"

"So you shall, Strax. Go and rally the troops!" The Doctor rubbed his hands together fervently, his Sontaran friend turn back towards the camp. "Ooh this is going to be so much fun."

That's when he heard it. From the far side of the trash yard, the faint sound of drums permeated the air. The Doctor's childlike grin faded as his eyes narrowed in the direction of the battle drums. He knew what forces occupied the opposing forces. Paintball variants of Cybermen, Daleks, Silurian mercenaries, and many more consisted of the enemy's paintball army.

"Doctor, you hear that?" Amy asked.

The rhythm pounded against the Doctor's mind, his mouth slowly growing into a smile. The Doctor clasped his hands together, the _thump-thump-thump-thump, thump-thump-thump-thump_ echoing across the vehicle graveyard. "Oh yes. This is going to be most interesting."

"Doctor!" A voice drew the Time Lord's attention from his foe's battle hymn and to a familiar male nurse that was running up the hill to greet him.

"Rory the Roman!" The Doctor ran to meet Rory and gave him a big hug. A moment later, the Doctor pulled back and looked at his companion's attire. A grey vest covered his chest and torso with similarly hued knee and arm pads covering his limbs. On his head was an army helmet with goggles and an earpiece embedded in his ear. "You are dressed way to seriously for this shindig."

Rory shrugged at the Doctor's comment. "So I might have over-prepared for it a bit." He replied.

"A bit?" Amy scoffed.

Rory sighed at his wife's remark. "Not you too."

"So is everybody ready down there?" The Doctor asked, casting a glance over Rory's shoulder towards the collection of forces that had amassed for the paint battle. Sontarans under Strax's command were already standing in their phalanx formations, their stern faces set towards the soon-to-be battlefield beyond the hill, a squad of Silurians under Vastra's command was somewhere down in the camp getting ready, and another tent marked _Elites_ stood aloof on a hilltop beyond the camp.

"Almost all of them, Doctor. Except for those 'elites' or whatever they're called." Rory said, lifting his fingers in air quotes.

The Doctor gritted his teeth nervously. "What's taking them so long?"

"All I've heard in the camp is that some sort of robot is needing to be fitted for the battle."

The Doctor squinted his eyes at the statement. "Robot? Since when do we have any robots on the team?"

"THE MATCH WILL BEGIN IN TWO MINUTES." The Atraxi representative suddenly bellowed, its voice carrying across the scrapyard.

"Did anyone else catch that?" The Doctor asked, twisting a finger in his ear.

"Who didn't?" Amy retorted, recovering from the announcement as well.

Cupping his hands around his mouth, Rory looked up at the Atraxi and shouted, "You may not have any ears but please take into consideration that you may have blown ours out!"

The Doctor was up in Rory's face instantly. "No, no, no, Rory. We mustn't offend the referee. And the Atraxi do have ears, by the way."

Rory cast a glance past the Doctor's shoulder at the Atraxi above then back at the Time Lord in front of him. "Really?"

"They sure do. It's behind their eye, bit of a nasty thing." The Doctor said, quickly taking a peek over his shoulder to see if the Atraxi had heard his last comment. Sure enough, the blue eye of the Atraxi was focused right on the two of them. "Sorry about that! Might I just say that whatever you have in the auditory department you make up for in just the beauty of that eye of yours!"

The Atraxi's eye rolled at the Doctor's attempt to make peace and turned around to face the enemy camp.

"What did you do to upset our referee?" a stern yet familiar female voice sounded behind the Doctor.

The Doctor spun around, a smile adorning his face at remembering whose voice it was. Before him stood a woman clad in speckled grey camouflage, a bandolier of full paintball pods was strapped across her torso, and what appeared to be a metal neck brace was partially hidden behind her curled blond hair.

"Hello, sweetie." River Song said, a grin of her own beginning to stretch across her face.

"River Song." The Doctor acknowledged. "What took you so long getting here?"

"And who said I was late? The games haven't started yet." River replied smugly

The Doctor put on a facetiously stern look. "Well I say. And I'm a Time Lord, so there."

"Oh hush you." River blew off the Doctor's 'authority' over time and looked over at her parents, stretching her arms towards them. "Amy! Rory! How are we?"

"Doing good, River." Amy said, accepting River's hug and pulled her into an embrace. "You're all set for the game, I see." The redhead remarked, her eyes scanning River's militaristic apparel.

"She sure is, but where's your mask?" Rory asked, the medical professional in him expressing its concern.

River tapped her neck brace, an assured smile on her face. "It'll come out when it's time."

"Speaking of time," The Doctor spoke up, pointing a finger at a leather strap around River's wrist. "I see you're still using that piece of junk to get around."

River shot the Time Lord an unappreciative look. "Well it works just as well as the TARDIS and you know that." She said in the defense of her time vortex manipulator. "Besides how else was I supposed to get to this little shindig?"

"The same way we got here." A familiar female voice said from behind them.

The Doctor turned around to see the owner of the voice, his mouth agape at what he saw. Before him stood six individuals, three women and thee men, each of them pieces of his past just as much as he was a part of theirs, as well as their futures. All of them wore what appeared to be plate-armored vests, their paintball masks pulled up on top of their heads and their various paintball markers dangling at their sides.

"How long has it been, Doc?" one of the men said, a cocky smile adorning his borderline illegally photogenic face.

The Doctor's mouth moved but his voice stayed lodged in his throat.

The redheaded woman's eyes travelled to Amy, her grin fading into a mock pout. "Aw so I'm not the only redhead on the team anymore? When'd you pick this one up?"

Amy's eyes narrowed at the Doctor's former companion. "Watch it, girly. I'm a companion of the Doctor's too." She said, taking a hold of one of the Doctor's arms possessively. "And who are you, anyway?"

"Donna Noble, companion of the Doctor's. And _you_." She said, pointing a finger at the Doctor. "Where have you been? Do you have any idea how long it's taken me to find you?"

"Now, now, Donna." The elderly man said, his bearded mouth curving into a grin at seeing the Doctor again. "Don't go making a fuss."

"Speaking of a fuss, Wilf, does your wife know you're here?" the black former companion spoke up, casting his teammate a glance.

Wilfred shrugged. "Well she doesn't have to know."

"MATCH BEGINS IN ONE MINUTE!" the Atraxi suddenly bellowed.

Twisting a finger in her ear, the black female spoke up. "That guy doesn't really have any volume control, does he?" Her eyes turned to see Rory shaking his head in response.

The Doctor's eyes travelled down the line of former companions, his adventures with each one flashing through his mind. Finally his gaze rested on her. That sandy blond hair, that sly smile, the gleam in those hazel eyes. The Doctor's gape slowly spread into a smile.

"Hello, Doctor." She said.

"Rose Tyler." The Doctor addressed, the smile still plastered on his face.

Amy's eyebrows furrowed at seeing the exchange. "Doctor, you know her?"

The Time Lord nodded in reply and looked back at Amy and Rory. "Amelia and Rory Pond, meet Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Donna Noble, Captain Jack Harkness, Mickey Smith, and Wilfred Mott."

"How's it going?" Mickey greeted with a nod of his head at Amy and Rory as he adjusted his LMG-modeled paintball gun.

"Going good. You all ready to shoot some paint?" Rory replied, an eager look crossing his visage.

Jack shrugged. "Heard a massive paintball fight was going down on Axalon and it sounded better than dealing with some rather peeved cat ladies I stiffed on medical bills, so I figured why not?"

"And these are nifty little things." Wilfred said, lifting his wrist so he could get a better look at his time vortex manipulator. "Where did you get these again?" He asked, glancing at Martha.

"UNIT doesn't know they're missing a few yet. As long as they're back before someone notices then we won't be having any problems." She replied.

"Is there a problem that needs addressing?" A robotic tone sounded from down the hill. The group looked behind them to see a trapezoid-shaped robot gliding along the ground towards them, its antenna-like tail wagging behind it.

"K-9!" The Doctor exclaimed, kneeling down in front of the mechanic pooch.

"Hello, Master." K-9 replied. Even though his voice was monotone, the Doctor could see its enthusiasm in its glowing red visual scanners.

The Doctor looked up from his computerized canine companion at the group of former space-time explorers. "When did you guys bring him here?"

"Just a few hours ago." Rose responded. "We had to get him refitted for the paintball game."

"I have been fitted with twin rapid fire paintball markers." K-9 piped up, two flaps opening up on the sides of the robot dog where two paintball markers suddenly popped out, a hose-like paintball feeding system winding from the top of the markers into the innards of the robot. "And a cluster paintball projection system." A piece of metal on the front of the cybernetic dog slid downward, a wide barrel slowly revealing itself.

"So you equipped a robotic dog with two paintball guns and a paint shotgun?" River

said, her tone giving away her surprise at the robotic pooch's loadout.

"I will be a good dog, will I, Master?"

The Doctor's grin widened at his mechanic hound. "Of course you'll be, boy."

K-9's tail began rapidly wagging at his master's response as the paintball systems retracted back into his form.

"THIRTY SECONDS TO PAINTBALL!" The Atraxi declared.

"Doctor!" Strax's voice called out. All ten in the group turned to see Strax and Vastra at the head of an army, the sounds of hundreds of boots clomping on the ground as they marched towards the crest of the hill. Tinted paintball visors hid the faces of the Silurian and Sontaran troops, the usual body armor of the Sontarans and the sleek metal-grey body armor of the Silurians glinting in the orange sunlight. At the head was two familiar figures, their bodies clad with their respective species' body armor.

"Strax and Vastra, two of my favorite examples of sentient life! The troops are ready, I see!" The Doctor shouted back.

As the army approached the Doctor and his friends, they came to a sudden halt, the stopping of clicking boots echoing across the junkyard. On the other side of the paintball field, multiple specs began levitating off the ground, each of them with a purple dot at the top.

_Paintball-configured Daleks._ The Doctor figured as he turned back to face his army. "Alright, everyone! Today we are gonna go out there and win this thing!"

A loud "HOORAH!" sounded from the troops as the Doctor looked on.

"Paintballs will fly! Masks will be fogged up! But let us not forget the true reason we are here! And that is to-"

"PAINTBALL MATCH BEGINS IN FIVE SECONDS!" The Atraxi announced.

"Oh to hell with it!" Donna shouted, whipping out her paintball marker.

The sound of dozens of paintball weapons being taken from their holsters sounded as Sontaran and Silurian battle cries rose up, drowning out any fiery rhetoric the Doctor wanted to say.

"THREE!"

The Doctor stuck the tube of paintballs into his paintball gun and leaned forward to run. The Doctor's companions proceeded to pull their masks over their faces.

"TWO!"

The Doctor's companions took a pre-running stance, the motors in K-9's system beginning to spin into overdrive as the robot prepared to speed off as soon as the match started. With a swift motion and the hissing of compressed air being let off, River's helmet expanded from its metal housing and closed around her face, the HUD lighting up inside the visor.

"ONE!"

_Whoops. Almost forgot._ The Doctor thought, pulling the paintball mask over his face.

"GO!"


End file.
